Where the wit hits the fan

and I've always got your back, fat.

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Start Counting the Days
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Insomniac
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Dying From Exposure
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Earth Day
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Click Bait and Your Vagina…Sometimes They Both Promise Too Much
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Untouchable
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Romancing the Writing
10
Writing With a Smile

Not a LOSER meme xx

Start Counting the Days

Half Staff MEME xxx

Insomniac

Olympic MIND MEME xx

Dying From Exposure

Sewn Lips xxx

Hard On Yourself meme

Earth Day

EARTH DAY meme xx

Click Bait and Your Vagina…Sometimes They Both Promise Too Much

Things You Should Never Put In Or On Your Vagina. That was the title of the article I simply had to go read. Because, you know, what if my husband’s penis is on the list? Here is the article. Feel free to read it, but I’ve condensed the whole thing for you if you want to save time and put your vagina at ease. I know you do.

#1 Douches. Too late for that tip, thank you. I didn’t get married until my thirties so more than a couple of douches spent some time hosing me down there.
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#2 Fruits and Vegetables. Duh. Everybody knows you don’t mix a tossed salad with your douche hole.salad

#3 Rubber and Plastic Sex Toys. Dammit. I knew I shouldn’t have put Legos in my baby canal, but it was better than stepping on them. As for rubbers, not using those is why my house was filled with Legos in the first place.ooh-rubber-ducky-1403551375 Photo courtesy of redditgifts.com

#4 Body Art. Vajazzling is just plain overkill. Maybe it’s just my irresistible pussy parts, but they already attract more attention than I am comfortable with. So unless I want to risk spelling out, “Not Now,” with glue and glitter, I will pass on the cooch crafting craze.glitter balloon Photo courtesy of Miss Kris

#5 Hair Dye. Somehow having to touch up any roots down below would be WAY more maintenance than I have the time or interest for. I’ll dye my pubes when guys are willing to dip their junk in Dairy Queen chocolate that hardens and cracks off as soon as you bite into it.dq-treats-wafflecone-chocolatecone

#6 Tea Tree Oil. Okay, all these snake oil salespeople need to step away from my tampon tunnel. Anything that can be used as insect repellant, mold remover, and fights boils from staph infections does not belong in my self-cleaning oven. Tea Tree oil foot Photo courtesy of http://www.examiner.com/

#7 Anything That Has Been In Or Around Your Butt. So my dog’s nose is off the menu. Duly noted. pets.webmd_ Photo courtesy of pets.webmd.com

#8 An Electric Toothbrush. Safe to say my gums will be the first to testify that scrubbing the pink with bristles moving 2,000 rpms is neither comfortable, nor sexually stimulating. While I understand the desire to keep the magic muscles plaque free, if that is your issue, you will need more than a toothbrush.sonicare-toothbrush

#9 Oil-Based Lubricants. Unless you are starting a yeast culture for some Amish Friendship Bread, leave the oil in the pan, not your pusswhah. Oh, and just in case you’re wondering, I did some in depth research, and did not find vagina anywhere on the following list. Which is rather surprising when you see the list. article-2470140-18E1894500000578-242_634x408 Photo courtesy of the Daily Mail

I think we’re done here.

Untouchable

DELICATE LONER meme

Romancing the Writing

Nothing More Romantic or Delusional  xx

Writing With a Smile

Writing is like dental care. No matter how long you brush with Sonicare, floss, and use anti–plaque mouthwash, the hygienist always sees room for improvement. At some point you have to say, my teeth look and feel good enough to smile and eat with, so fuck the hygienist.Sossaman-Dental-Care-Mesa (photo courtesy of Sossaman Dental Health and Implant Center, Mesa, AZ)

With writing, you can write, rewrite, edit, and beat a piece to death in the hopes of reaching creative perfection. Send it off to an editor and there will always be room for improvement. A good writer has to learn when something is good enough, and let it go. The dental hygienist’s job is to make suggestions and help you do better, not write the 10 Commandments of gum disease. “Thou shalt not rest until your teeth gleam and your gums never bleed.”

Seeking perfection in anything is self-defeating. Setting the bar too high will stunt your production or paralyze you with fear. A little plaque or pink gums is not the end of the world, or your health. And there comes a time when other things in life call out to be dealt with or enjoyed. Choices are what life is made up of. So scrape the plaque off your piece and move on to hair removal, child care, or Facebook posting.

“Courage is not a man with a gun in his hand. It’s knowing you’re licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what.” [Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird ]

Sometimes it takes a gun to your head to actually write, but doing it regardless is part of the process. So floss, and write, and see it through. Just learn to know when “through” means through, and allow yourself the chance to do it all over again. Sometimes you have to bleed a little in the process.

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Copyright © 2014 Amy Sherman

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