Archive - November 11, 2012

The Dong Whisperer

The Dong Whisperer


I have spent countless hours absorbing Cesar Millan’s wisdom. I have had marginal success with my neurotic dogs, but thanks to Cesar, I have found his philosophy to be unerring in the training of a different beast. I offer this sage advice to anyone who will benefit from it. I rehabilitate dongs. I drain penises…I am the Dong Whisperer.

Penises are very simple. We make it complicated for them, by not understanding who they are, what they need, their language and how they create their behavior. Penises need discipline. Give them rules, boundaries, and limitations as well as love. Avoid nurturing a penis’s fears or unstable mind. Imagine a successful scenario and hold it in your mind when dealing with a penis.

The most important rule for any penis is: exercise, discipline then affection. Penises must earn your affection. Let them know what you want. Always be clear, calm and assertive. A penis wants you to be the leader. It wants to please you.

When meeting a penis for the first time remember, “No touch, no talk, no eye-contact!”  It does not understand your language. If you stare directly at a penis, it thinks you are being confrontational.  When the head is down, it is submissive. When the head is raised, stroke it calmly and assertively. Learn to read its language.

Never reward a penis when it is excited. Wait until it is submissive. Excitement is often mistaken for aggression. If a penis jumps all over you, say “tchhhhh!” and give it a swift poke-touch. You must redirect its focus. You must be the penis leader. If you are not the penis leader, it will step up and become one. When you have a pack of penises, you must be the pack leader. The pack needs to trust you. A pack must feel safe or it will become unbalanced. Each penis will find its place in the pack behind you.

Penises require exercise to lead balanced, healthy lives. Make sure you burn off excess energy before trying to train your penis. Every penis needs exercise. Daily. They must get out. Daily. Just because a penis is small doesn’t mean it needs less exercise. Find what keeps the penis’ interest. Playing with balls often works. A drained penis is a happy penis.

To establish you are the Penis Leader, never allow a penis in the bed unless you invite it. If you do allow a penis in your bed, remember it is not your alarm clock. Don’t let the penis wake you in the morning. The Penis Leader decides when the day starts!



A penis is a simple thing. Don’t confuse it. Penises live in the moment. We can all learn from them. They are here to teach us. Just make sure you are the Penis Leader or it may lead you astray.

Copyright © 2014 Amy Sherman