Archive - April 2014

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Dance Dunce
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How Do You Spell Your Name?
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EBWW in a Nutshell
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Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop 2014

Dance Dunce

In one of our early moments as empty nesters, my husband and I were having an average, uneventful day when the song by Josh Turner “Why Don’t We Just Dance” comes on. Impossible to resist, I kick off my Crocs and dance.

Before Brad can get up from the kitchen table, I turn it into a mild burlesque aimed at him. I’m self-conscious, but Brad looks at me like I’m Jaime Lee Curtis in her dance scene from True Lies and he’s Arnold, so I pelvic thrust onward.

His face is rapt, while I’m forcing an out-of-body experience to get past my cellulite-awareness, hating those damn tabloids at the checkout that show horrible pics of celebrities in bathing suits, while posing the question, “Can you guess who these hot messes are?” (And I do have an Enquiring mind. Who doesn’t want to see a celeb who has helped create impossible standards fall? I like knowing they’re human. I like it even more if their lumpy backsides are more human than mine.)

As usual, my mind wanders while Brad’s hopes rise.

My body continues to writhe and work its way towards Brad, who is still seated, knowing he must savor every seductive move because this doesn’t happen every day decade. To his delight, my body moves in for a lap dance. I’m in full fantasy mode now and so is Brad. He glances toward our cluttered table and grabs the nearest scrap of paper to stuff down my pants like a high roller at the club.

“Yeah big Daddy, make it rain!”

He shoves the stiff paper where I rarely let the nightstand lights shine, and I lean in to tease him with a kiss, but the piece of paper bugs me, so I pull it out and start to wave it in the air, ‘like I just don’t care’, when my peripheral vision catches a glimpse of what it is.

Try as I might to stay in the moment, being ‘tipped for a strip’ with an AARP magazine ad insert is too ironic to miss. Guffaw.

“That is perfect! You really know how to flatter a girl.”

“It was the closest thing I could find. I didn’t want to stop the action.”

Professional as I may be, I cannot stay in character after this. The romance is gone, but it is my favorite fantasy-block ever and Brad is duly rewarded…right in his funny bone.

Still got it!

Still got it!

How Do You Spell Your Name?

Scene: the restaurant in the Dayton Marriott Sunday morning, at the end of the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. I’m having lunch with good friend and fellow Ermatologist, Molly Campbell.

Waitress: Excuse me, but someone just asked if you would give them your autograph.

That’s funny. Who’s pulling my chain? (I start scanning the restaurant for one of my friends.)

Waitress: No. I’m serious. Here’s her name. It’s pronounced Heidi. “HAYDEE” is scribbled on a small torn piece of paper and she includes a separate paper for my autograph.

No way. Maybe because I did stand up last night?

Waitress:  She says she saw you in a casino.

Uhhhh. No. I don’t work casinos.

Waitress:  I’ll go get her.

Please do. I sign ‘Amy Sherman’ on a separate little piece of paper and add: ‘Please feel free to stop by, Haydee.’

To Molly: Oh this will be rich. Who do you think she thinks I am? Marlo Thomas?

Waitress comes back with a darling young woman. She’s also a server.

Me: Nice to meet you. Who did you think I was? Ann Miller? (Like this baby would know who that was.)

Haydee: No. Who would be next?

Me: I have no idea.

Haydee:  Amy Schumer!

I jump up so excited: OMG, I LOVE her. Do you think I’d be sitting here if I was Amy Schumer? I’m so sorry to disappoint you.

Hysterical hugging.

Haydee: I overheard my co-worker when she was running your charge. (Remember, Amy Sherman.) So I’m like, ‘I LOVE her. And I saw her show recently at a casino.’  I peek around the corner and think, ‘Did she do something with her hair?’ But your face actually seems similar, so maybe you’re her mother?

You take that back! (Everyone around us in the restaurant really thinks something is happening. We’re making quite the commotion.)

I hand her my autograph with my business card.

“You are adorable. Please take my card because YOU are going to be in my next  blog.”

Haydee proceeded to tell us how she once misunderstood a diner talking about chauffeuring film star Gina Davis around. So she starts asking all sorts of questions about her, tells how much she loves all of her movies, and wonders why she hasn’t seen much of her lately.

Soon after that she sees a beautiful blonde woman getting into the limo at the front of the hotel and it isn’t Gina Davis at all. Turns out it is Jenna Jameson, world renowned porn star and brilliant business person. Looking back at her conversation with the driver she bursts out laughing because all of her Gina Davis questions fit Jenna perfectly, while making Haydee look like a huge porn star fan.

She had more stories to share as well. Haydee made our day and we told her she should definitely be telling her stories. Erma would be proud.

And Molly will always remember dining with a beloved comedian. As she should.

Haydee, my first autograph seeker.

Haydee, my first autograph seeker.

Easy mistake...Sherman/Schumer

Easy mistake…Sherman/Schumer

 

 

 

Photo courtesy of   Orlando Weekly

EBWW in a Nutshell

Everybody has a story to tell, and you must tell it.

Michele Lamarca, telling it like it is.

Michele Lamarca, telling it like it is.

 

Do not wait for the glass slipper. Put your work shoes on and make your way.

Cathryn Michon, who is starting an industry revolution with "Muffintop: A Love Story" No Cinderella girl here.

Cathryn Michon, who is starting an industry revolution with “Muffintop: A Love Story” No Cinderella girl here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Put your money where your mouth is and support creatives.Support your peers.

 

Mothers are the bomb. (good OR bad)

Mother Bear and Cub playing Hide and Seek by David Cardinal. National Wildlife Federation 2011.

Mother Bear and Cub playing Hide and Seek by David Cardinal. National Wildlife Federation 2011.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friends and support systems are critical.

Gemini Twins: Bonnie Jean and me

Gemini Twins: Bonnie Jean and 

 

We have to own it…I  AM WRITER, HEAR ME ROAR!Anne Bardsley

Anne Bardsley

Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop 2014

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.                    Erma Bombeck

Working on my Ermatology degree this weekend. Where all the lonely dreamers gather to celebrate and share their dreams.Dreams Road Sign

Let the laughter begin…

Copyright © 2014 Amy Sherman

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