Archive - January 13, 2015

Roomba Love

Roomba Love

Don’t hate me cuz I’m lazy, and I won’t hate you for your fear of aging and having multiple plastic surgeries to appease that as long as you can.

Lesson of the day: One new robot/work-reducing toy adds, at a minimum, two new jobs or things to do. The Roomba will clean your floors for you, but now that I have one, here is my list of new chores…

1. Pick up pee pads, obvious obstructions, or anything that will tangle the Roomba up. This is risky in the brutal winter. The dogs are refusing to go outside and I have heard through the Reddit grapevine, one NEVER wants to come home to a Roomba that ran over some dog shit and proceeded to smear it over, and over, all OVER the floor. The day that happens, I call a Hazmat service to clean floors, throw the Roomba out (obviously into some neighbor’s trash bin), and contact a realtor to help us relocate to a blue state with a milder climate. If those actually exist.

2. Empty the dust bin of the Roomba, because it is fairly small, OR my house is incredibly filthy. I choose to believe the former. Please note our floors haven’t seen this much action since we had a maid for a few years. By my calculations, that is about fifteen years of neglect one little rotating frisbee has to break through. But as I always say, “better thee, than me.” (Suckah!)

3. Swiffer the top of the roomba that has gathered so much dust, either while between gigs, or because so much gets kicked up during its shift. So now I’m cleaning my cleaning device. I usually do this while it rolls near my desk chair, so all I have to do is hold the swiffer to it, while it rotates or moves. Beats me actually walking over to it while it is docked, to Swiffer it. A new personal low, I’m proud to say.

Swiffer Roomba

Once, it began making a weird clicking noise, so I had to stop it, actually lift it up and look at the underside…kinda like picking up a turtle and being curious about its underbelly. Only in this case I see lots of hair tangled around the rotator brush, wheels, and anything else it can grab onto. The only thing running through my head is “Dammit. I won’t be able to erase that from my memory,” so I put it back on the filthy, hairy, floor where it belongs, and my hands and knees do not.

Actual photo of my Roomba was censored for being too graphic and causing projectile vomiting.

Actual photo of my Roomba was censored for being too graphic and causing projectile vomiting.

I let it rest a few days. Suddenly it starts up all by itself and begins cleaning the tv room floor. No clicking. Winner. I fixed it. However, I am alerted to the idea this clever little machine is capable of calling in sick and won’t be covered by my insurance. With something this technologically advanced, clearly any doctor visit is going to cost a lot.

So I ask myself, is it really worth it? This lazy-ass says yes!
There is something inherently cool about a machine doing work for you. I feel the same way about the dishwasher. Sure you have to load and unload it. For now, that’s as good as it gets. Sure you still have items that need to be hand washed. I still love knowing I can set the timer on that sucker, and my dishes are being cleaned while. I. sleep. And unlike the Roomba, it takes a professional to delve into its taint, so I don’t have to scar my temporal lobe any further.

I am going to have to do the math on whether all the money I spend trying to simplify my life, amounts to being able to afford an actual cleaning service. I don’t expect it to be worth three times a week or anything, but even once a month would be good enough for my impossible standards.

Oh. I better add in the cost of lottery tickets that are an investment in the future and the opportunity to be even lazier. A girl can wet/dry dream.

Pier photo courtesy of

Pier photo courtesy of

Copyright © 2014 Amy Sherman